5, Five dollar, $5 foot looooong…

I have been married for five years, and so has Angie. I just found out that we were married to each other. I tell you what; I ought to pay attention who sleeps next to me more often! I fell asleep on a park bench once and couldn't get that homeless guy to stop following me for 8 months! *rim shot* Thanks, I'll be here all week, please remember to tip your waitresses. Goodnight Everybody! (Exit music plays)

No really though folks, five years is a nice round number, so I'm going to give you some great marriage tips! You are all so excited aren't you? Well here we go

Tip #1 Newlyweds suck. This isn't really a tip, but more of a fact I was recently reminded of, similar to being reminded that hitting my thumb with a hammer isn't fun. I was in my office when this obviously newlywed couple came in. I think that they reached into a vat of epoxy and couldn't find the right solvent, because they never let go of each others hands, even when it was awkward to do so.

Me: 'Here are some papers we need to go over to get you set up for surgery."

Wife: (struggles with 10 recipe books for that night's dinner in left hand without letting go of husband.)

Husband: "Let me help you."

Wife: "No, I got It."

Husband: 'Just let me…'

Wife: (In a lovingly commanding tone) 'You need to pay attention!"

Husband: (shrugs, and gives wife a 'you're right, and I should have just listened to you from the beginning and we would have been able to avoid this ugly confrontation from the first place. I love you sooo much' look).

Me: (After throwing up a little in my mouth) So…are we ready?"

Some people may say this is cute or that it just shows how much they love each other. I say that there is an even greater chance of that some people are naïve idiots. If this same act was performed by 80 year olds, then it would be cute. I guess the tip is be aware and considerate of other people no matter how much you absolutely love your little shapoopie schmoopsie doo.

Tip #2 Date night. You need to go on dates; just you and your spouse. Sorry Ellen. I often have to convince Angie that getting babysitter is not an inherently evil thing that has need of penance. We hear this a lot, but there is good reason for it. Complacency sets in easily. Remember when you were single and you would just sit around bored sometimes with your siblings? This is very similar to what happens to married couples. You'll bicker. (Good word, bicker.) So here is a recipe for a date game that can always work, always be new, and is only limited by your own creativity.

Step 1- Go to a mall, department store or plaza; someplace that you will be able to patronize different shopping venues without seeing each other.

Step 2- Spending limit. Determine a set amount of money for each other. No cheating or you have to take back whatever the other person got for you.

Step 3- Set a rule of what to buy. Ie; it has to use batteries, must be wrapped in cellophane, purple, crafty, something I can put on, a game, etc.

Step 4- Set up a time limit and a meeting place to exchange gifts.

This date idea easily takes up an hour or 2 if you make the challenge hard enough and helps you to think only about the other person for awhile. Plus everyone likes to get presents. I'll admit it, I like getting stuff especially when someone else gives it to me. It makes feel loved.

Tip #3- Make sure you have good friends that are married. WE have some of the best friends, and it's good to just hang out with them sometimes. More than anything it's good to see that other people have problems too. It takes the edge off when you realize everyone argues about the same things.

Tip #4- Don't try to change or control your spouse. On the flip side, don't try to change for your spouse. Just be honest and if you want to 'change for your spouse' learn to like yourself enough to change for yourself, and it'll be a permanent change rather than a setup for disappointment. (Note: These are not exact quotes, but rather a compilation of things I have heard, said, or have heard of being said.)

Bad Example:

Wife: Quit playing video games. I hate them. Nag, nag, nag, nag….

Husband: Quit nagging me, I hate it. Whine, whine, whine….

Wife: If you could do _____ it would be great for me.

Husband: You should work out more.

Wife: I'm leaving you.

Husband: Fine, leave dinner by the door on the way out.

Good Example:

Wife: Honey, could you please _______? (This blank must be filled with a concrete thing to do. Not playing video games is a concrete thing to not do and doesn't count and won't work and will spur the previous argument. Also 'just spend time with me' is a newlywed tactic and is therefore only works during the temporary insanity time period known as the honeymoon phase.)

Husband: Sure, just let me just find a save point.

Wife: That game saves in the start menu, so please hurry up. **It must be noted that even if a wife doesn't care about the game at hand, knowing how to save a particular game (ie: save point, start menu, pass a level, etc. will show that she takes some interest in the game and that sends a message to her husband that she thinks it's ok to like something she doesn't.

Husband: *smiles, saves, enjoys a happy life

The point is to not lose your individuality for each other. There is no happiness there: hence why newlyweds make me sick.

I hope you enjoy this. We're having dinner then a shopping contest date tonight. I'll let you know how it goes later.